Advice of the Day

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Archive of the Day

The archive has been moved from here and here… but it hasn’t been fully moved yet, the NEW archive only has until the beginning of February on there.

Note of the Day

I am doing my job + a fired person’s job all week…. So don’t bitch if the advices are short and late…

 

Advice of the Day

Work work work is a bit tiring…

 

First Annual Advice of the Day Logo Contest (of the Day)

I am holding a contest to see which one of you can come up with the coolest advice of the day logo for the new “archive” I am creating.   All entries will be in a future advice email and will be voted upon by THE READERS (of course if I don’t like the one you guys pick I will just pick a different one).  I will give you credit on the site (etc) and you will be given a SEMI-NUDE picture of Angela Lansberry (of Murder She Wrote fame).  Good luck and happy drawing.

 

Victory Speech of the Day

In the spirit of President Bush’s stirring victory speech in 2003 declaring “an end to major action in Iraq” I have decided to declare victory in my ongoing battle for Truth in the battle against Christianity.  Yes my coalition of willing (Vicki, Eric, and sometimes Brion and Dan) has fully declared that we have won the war against Christianity.   The challenges faced to us were grave, and we have all fought long and hard to vanquish the opposition.  It is in this spirit I am asking that MORE of you join our fight against Christianity.  Even though the battle has been finished we do need to put more “troops on the ground” to vanquish the remaining opposition forces.  Thank you for your everlasting and unanimous support.

 

Sex Toy of the Day (from Brion… that sick fuck)

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050316/od_uk_nm/oukoe_odd_germany_doll

 

Condi Rice for Prez of the Day (from Last Night’s Daily Show)

Listen to the song, really listen to it…

http://www.americansforrice.com/

 

Isn’t this an oxymoron of the Day

Great French person? HA!

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1548&ncid=1548&e=5&u=/afp/20050315/lf_afp/afplifestylefrance_050315161255

 

Holy Trade Deficit Batman! Of the Day

25% higher than last year!  WOO HOO!

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=668&ncid=749&e=1&u=/ap/20050316/ap_on_bi_go_ec_fi/economy

 

Advice of the Day

Don’t drink drain-o.  Drain-o is for unplugging drains, not liquid refreshment.

 

Report from Trivia at the Old Toad of the Day

Our Score (Now with Dan and Krista cleaning action!): 6

High Score: 10

We are sooooo going to win next week!

 

Pi of the Day (from Eric)

Pi? Pi is ridiculous. Mathematical Bullshit. The most infinite bullshit in a universe of infinite numbers.

How dare you glorify this infinite bullshit with a 'holiday' much less actually recomending HORRIBLE poetry relating to a mathematical abstraction. Pi is not the 'holy number', has no divine power, is not  a mathematical abstraction of the universal perfection.

Pi is toilet paper, and I wipe my ass with it. I smear it with feces and flush it down the toilet. Pi screams like a little girl confronted with some monstrous nightmare. Pi is a monstrous nightmare. I hate Pi, have always hated Pi, will always hate Pi. It is the mathematical hemmoroid dangling from the sphincter of the universe.

 

The fact that evolution is a fallible theory does not make Creationism Right of the Day

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/washpost/20050314/ts_washpost/a32444_2005mar13

 

News Article about Pi Day of the Day

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=569&ncid=738&e=2&u=/nm/20050314/tc_nm/tech_pi_day_dc

 

If a man walked into a bank (unarmed) and stole the same amount of money how many years would he get in jail of the Day

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050315/ap_on_bi_ge/ebbers_trial

 

Dog of the Day (from Tamara)

http://jai.kicks-ass.org/SmartDog.wmv

 

Top 10 Reasons to Believe that there are Little Green Men (LGM) living on Mars of the Day

1. They had me write a book and it says they exist.
2. They had a human son.
3. Their human son died for your sins.
4. Believing in the LGM is more advantageous than NOT believing in LGM (what do you have to gain by denying the existence of LGM)
5. Something had to create the universe, why not LGM?
6. There has to be a purpose, LGM is that purpose.
7. Is there any evidence that says there ISN’T LGM on Mars?
8. My parents taught me about LGM, and so did this guy who went to school to learn about LGM so it must be true…
9. Just have faith that there are LGM
10. You aren’t a liberal panty waist fudge packer are you?  Then believe in LGM.

Advice of the Day

Start your day off with a nice pie and then move onto a bit of pi

 

Its also Steak and BJ Day of the Day (from Brion)

Its steak and BJ DAY!  I am all about it… OH YEAH!

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

 

Apple has gone just a little too far of the Day (from Justin)

http://www.two-twenty.net/archives/images/iGod_large.jpg

 

Longest “Pi poem” in known Existence of the Day
From here

Poe, E.
      Near a Raven

Midnights so dreary, tired and weary.
    Silently pondering volumes extolling all by-now obsolete lore.
During my rather long nap - the weirdest tap!
    An ominous vibrating sound disturbing my chamber's antedoor.
        "This", I whispered quietly, "I ignore".

Perfectly, the intellect remembers: the ghostly fires, a glittering ember.
    Inflamed by lightning's outbursts, windows cast penumbras upon this floor.
Sorrowful, as one mistreated, unhappy thoughts I heeded:
    That inimitable lesson in elegance - Lenore -
        Is delighting, exciting...nevermore.

Ominously, curtains parted (my serenity outsmarted),
    And fear overcame my being - the fear of "forevermore".
Fearful foreboding abided, selfish sentiment confided,
    As I said, "Methinks mysterious traveler knocks afore.
        A man is visiting, of age threescore."

Taking little time, briskly addressing something: "Sir," (robustly)
    "Tell what source originates clamorous noise afore?
Disturbing sleep unkindly, is it you a-tapping, so slyly?
    Why, devil incarnate!--" Here completely unveiled I my antedoor--
        Just darkness, I ascertained - nothing more.

While surrounded by darkness then, I persevered to clearly comprehend.
    I perceived the weirdest dream...of everlasting "nevermores".
Quite, quite, quick nocturnal doubts fled - such relief! - as my intellect said,
    (Desiring, imagining still) that perchance the apparition was uttering a whispered "Lenore".
        This only, as evermore.

Silently, I reinforced, remaining anxious, quite scared, afraid,
    While intrusive tap did then come thrice - O, so stronger than sounded afore.
"Surely" (said silently) "it was the banging, clanging window lattice."
    Glancing out, I quaked, upset by horrors hereinbefore,
        Perceiving: a "nevermore".

Completely disturbed, I said, "Utter, please, what prevails ahead.
    Repose, relief, cessation, or but more dreary 'nevermores'?"
The bird intruded thence - O, irritation ever since! -
    Then sat on Pallas' pallid bust, watching me (I sat not, therefore),
        And stated "nevermores".

Bemused by raven's dissonance, my soul exclaimed, "I seek intelligence;
    Explain thy purpose, or soon cease intoning forlorn 'nevermores'!"
"Nevermores", winged corvus proclaimed - thusly was a raven named?
    Actually maintain a surname, upon Pluvious seashore?
        I heard an oppressive "nevermore".

My sentiments extremely pained, to perceive an utterance so plain,
    Most interested, mystified, a meaning I hoped for.
"Surely," said the raven's watcher, "separate discourse is wiser.
    Therefore, liberation I'll obtain, retreating heretofore -
        Eliminating all the 'nevermores' ".

Still, the detestable raven just remained, unmoving, on sculptured bust.
    Always saying "never" (by a red chamber's door).
A poor, tender heartache maven - a sorrowful bird - a raven!
    O, I wished thoroughly, forthwith, that he'd fly heretofore.
        Still sitting, he recited "nevermores".

The raven's dirge induced alarm - "nevermore" quite wearisome.
    I meditated: "Might its utterances summarize of a calamity before?"
O, a sadness was manifest - a sorrowful cry of unrest;
    "O," I thought sincerely, "it's a melancholy great - furthermore,
        Removing doubt, this explains 'nevermores' ".

Seizing just that moment to sit - closely, carefully, advancing beside it,
    Sinking down, intrigued, where velvet cushion lay afore.
A creature, midnight-black, watched there - it studied my soul, unawares.
    Wherefore, explanations my insight entreated for.
        Silently, I pondered the "nevermores".

"Disentangle, nefarious bird! Disengage - I am disturbed!"
    Intently its eye burned, raising the cry within my core.
"That delectable Lenore - whose velvet pillow this was, heretofore,
    Departed thence, unsettling my consciousness therefore.
        She's returning - that maiden - aye, nevermore."

Since, to me, that thought was madness, I renounced continuing sadness.
    Continuing on, I soundly, adamantly forswore:
"Wretch," (addressing blackbird only) "fly swiftly - emancipate me!"
    "Respite, respite, detestable raven - and discharge me, I implore!"
        A ghostly answer of: "nevermore".

" 'Tis a prophet? Wraith? Strange devil? Or the ultimate evil?"
    "Answer, tempter-sent creature!", I inquired, like before.
"Forlorn, though firmly undaunted, with 'nevermores' quite indoctrinated,
    Is everything depressing, generating great sorrow evermore?
        I am subdued!", I then swore.

In answer, the raven turned - relentless distress it spurned.
    "Comfort, surcease, quiet, silence!" - pleaded I for.
"Will my (abusive raven!) sorrows persist unabated?
    Nevermore Lenore respondeth?", adamantly I encored.
        The appeal was ignored.

"O, satanic inferno's denizen -- go!", I said boldly, standing then.
    "Take henceforth loathsome "nevermores" - O, to an ugly Plutonian shore!
Let nary one expression, O bird, remain still here, replacing mirth.
    Promptly leave and retreat!", I resolutely swore.
        Blackbird's riposte: "nevermore".

So he sitteth, observing always, perching ominously on these doorways.
    Squatting on the stony bust so untroubled, O therefore.
Suffering stark raven's conversings, so I am condemned, subserving,
    To a nightmare cursed, containing miseries galore.
        Thus henceforth, I'll rise (from a darkness, a grave) -- nevermore!

                        -- Original: E. Poe
                        -- Redone by measuring circles.

Facts About Pi of the Day

 - Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter. 

 - 2 Pi in radians form is 360 degrees. Therefore Pi radians is 

   180 degrees and 1/2 Pi radians is 90 degrees. 

 - e raised to the i*pi power equals -1 (e is the base of the natural 

   logarithm and i is the imaginary number which is the sqare root 

   of -1). 

 - Pi day is celebrated on March 14 at the Exploratorium in San 

   Francisco (March 14 is 3/14).

 - All the digits of Pi can never be fully known. 

 - Pi is damn SEXY!

 

8192 Digits of Pi of the Day

3.
1415 9265 3589 7932 3846 2643 3832 7950 2884 1971 6939 9375 1058 2097 4944 5923 0781 6406 2862 0899 8628 0348 2534 2117 0679 8214 8086 5132 8230 6647 0938 4460 9550 5822 3172 5359 4081 2848 1117 4502 8410 2701 9385 2110 5559 6446 2294 8954 9303 8196 4428 8109 7566 5933 4461 2847 5648 2337 8678 3165 2712 0190 9145 6485 6692 3460 3486 1045 4326 6482 1339 3607 2602 4914 1273 7245 8700 6606 3155 8817 4881 5209 2096 2829 2540 9171 5364 3678 9259 0360 0113 3053 0548 8204 6652 1384 1469 5194 1511 6094 3305 7270 3657 5959 1953 0921 8611 7381 9326 1179 3105 1185 4807 4462 3799 6274 9567 3518 8575 2724 8912 2793 8183 0119 4912 9833 6733 6244 0656 6430 8602 1394 9463 9522 4737 1907 0217 9860 9437 0277 0539 2171 7629 3176 7523 8467 4818 4676 6940 5132 0005 6812 7145 2635 6082 7785 7713 4275 7789 6091 7363 7178 7214 6844 0901 2249 5343 0146 5495 8537 1050 7922 7968 9258 9235 4201 9956 1121 2902 1960 8640 3441 8159 8136 2977 4771 3099 6051 8707 2113 4999 9998 3729 7804 9951 0597 3173 2816 0963 1859 5024 4594 5534 6908 3026 4252 2308 2533 4468 5035 2619 3118 8171 0100 0313 7838 7528 8658 7533 2083 8142 0617 1776 6914 7303 5982 5349 0428 7554 6873 1159 5628 6388 2353 7875 9375 1957 7818 5778 0532 1712 2680 6613 0019 2787 6611 1959 0921 6420 1989 3809 5257 2010 6548 5863 2788 6593 6153 3818 2796 8230 3019 5203 5301 8529 6899 5773 6225 9941 3891 2497 2177 5283 4791 3151 5574 8572 4245 4150 6959 5082 9533 1168 6172 7855 8890 7509 8381 7546 3746 4939 3192 5506 0400 9277 0167 1139 0098 4882 4012 8583 6160 3563 7076 6010 4710 1819 4295 5596 1989 4676 7837 4494 4825 5379 7747 2684 7104 0475 3464 6208 0466 8425 9069 4912 9331 3677 0289 8915 2104 7521 6205 6966 0240 5803 8150 1935 1125 3382 4300 3558 7640 2474 9647 3263 9141 9927 2604 2699 2279 6782 3547 8163 6009 3417 2164 1219 9245 8631 5030 2861 8297 4555 7067 4983 8505 4945 8858 6926 9956 9092 7210 7975 0930 2955 3211 6534 4987 2027 5596 0236 4806 6549 9119 8818 3479 7753 5663 6980 7426 5425 2786 2551 8184 1757 4672 8909 7777 2793 8000 8164 7060 0161 4524 9192 1732 1721 4772 3501 4144 1973 5685 4816 1361 1573 5255 2133 4757 4184 9468 4385 2332 3907 3941 4333 4547 7624 1686 2518 9835 6948 5562 0992 1922 2184 2725 5025 4256 8876 7179 0494 6016 5346 6804 9886 2723 2791 7860 8578 4383 8279 6797 6681 4541 0095 3883 7863 6095 0680 0642 2512 5205 1173 9298 4896 0841 2848 8626 9456 0424 1965 2850 2221 0661 1863 0674 4278 6220 3919 4945 0471 2371 3786 9609 5636 4371 9172 8746 7764 6575 7396 2413 8908 6583 2645 9958 1339 0478 0275 9009 9465 7640 7895 1269 4683 9835 2595 7098 2582 2620 5224 8940 7726 7194 7826 8482 6014 7699 0902 6401 3639 4437 4553 0506 8203 4962 5245 1749 3996 5143 1429 8091 9065 9250 9372 2169 6461 5157 0985 8387 4105 9788 5959 7729 7549 8930 1617 5392 8468 1382 6868 3868 9427 7415 5991 8559 2524 5953 9594 3104 9972 5246 8084 5987 2736 4469 5848 6538 3673 6222 6260 9912 4608 0512 4388 4390 4512 4413 6549 7627 8079 7715 6914 3599 7700 1296 1608 9441 6948 6855 5848 4063 5342 2072 2258 2848 8648 1584 5602 8506 0168 4273 9452 2674 6767 8895 2521 3852 2549 9546 6672 7823 9864 5659 6116 3548 8623 0577 4564 9803 5593 6345 6817 4324 1125 1507 6069 4794 5109 6596 0940 2522 8879 7108 9314 5669 1368 6722 8748 9405 6010 1503 3086 1792 8680 9208 7476 0917 8249 3858 9009 7149 0967 5985 2613 6554 9781 8931 2978 4821 6829 9894 8722 6588 0485 7564 0142 7047 7555 1323 7964 1451 5237 4623 4364 5428 5844 4795 2658 6782 1051 1413 5473 5739 5231 1342 7166 1021 3596 9536 2314 4295 2484 9371 8711 0145 7654 0359 0279 9344 0374 2007 3105 7853 9062 1983 8744 7808 4784 8968 3321 4457 1386 8751 9435 0643 0218 4531 9104 8481 0053 7061 4680 6749 1927 8191 1979 3995 2061 4196 6342 8754 4406 4374 5123 7181 9217 9998 3910 1591 9561 8146 7514 2691 2397 4894 0907 1864 9423 1961 5679 4520 8095 1465 5022 5231 6038 8193 0142 0937 6213 7855 9566 3893 7787 0830 3906 9792 0773 4672 2182 5625 9966 1501 4215 0306 8038 4477 3454 9202 6054 1466 5925 2014 9744 2850 7325 1866 6002 1324 3408 8190 7104 8633 1734 6496 5145 3905 7962 6856 1005 5081 0665 8796 9981 6357 4736 3840 5257 1459 1028 9706 4140 1109 7120 6280 4390 3975 9515 6771 5770 0420 3378 6993 6007 2305 5876 3176 3594 2187 3125 1471 2053 2928 1918 2618 6125 8673 2157 9198 4148 4882 9164 4706 0957 5270 6957 2209 1756 7116 7229 1098 1690 9152 8017 3506 7127 4858 3222 8718 3520 9353 9657 2512 1083 5791 5136 9882 0914 4421 0067 5103 3467 1103 1412 6711 1369 9086 5851 6398 3150 1970 1651 5116 8517 1437 6576 1835 1556 5088 4909 9898 5998 2387 3455 2833 1635 5076 4791 8535 8932 2618 5489 6321 3293 3089 8570 6420 4675 2590 7091 5481 4165 4985 9461 6371 8027 0981 9943 0992 4488 9575 7128 2890 5923 2332 6097 2997 1208 4433 5732 6548 9382 3911 9325 9746 3667 3058 3604 1428 1388 3032 0382 4903 7589 8524 3744 1702 9132 7656 1809 3773 4440 3070 7469 2112 0191 3020 3303 8019 7621 1011 0044 9293 2151 6084 2444 8596 3766 9838 9522 8684 7831 2355 2658 2131 4495 7685 7262 4334 4189 3039 6864 2624 3410 7732 2697 8028 0731 8915 4411 0104 4682 3252 7162 0105 2652 2721 1166 0396 6655 7309 2547 1105 5785 3763 4668 2065 3109 8965 2691 8620 5647 6931 2570 5863 5662 0185 5810 0729 3606 5987 6486 1179 1045 3348 8503 4611 3657 6867 5324 9441 6680 3962 6579 7877 1855 6084 5529 6541 2665 4085 3061 4344 4318 5867 6975 1456 6140 6800 7002 3787 7659 1344 0171 2749 4704 2056 2230 5389 9456 1314 0711 2700 0407 8547 3326 9939 0814 5466 4645 8807 9727 0826 6830 6343 2858 7856 9830 5235 8089 3306 5757 4067 9545 7163 7752 5420 2114 9557 6158 1400 2501 2622 8594 1302 1647 1550 9792 5923 0990 7965 4737 6125 5176 5675 1357 5178 2966 6454 7791 7450 1129 9614 8903 0463 9947 1329 6210 7340 4375 1895 7359 6145 8901 9389 7131 1179 0429 7828 5647 5032 0319 8691 5140 2870 8085 9904 8010 9412 1472 2131 7947 6477 7262 2414 2548 5454 0332 1571 8530 6142 2881 3758 5043 0633 2175 1829 7986 6223 7172 1591 6077 1669 2547 4873 8986 6549 4945 0114 6540 6284 3366 3937 9003 9769 2656 7214 6385 3067 3609 6571 2091 8076 3832 7166 4162 7488 8800 7869 2560 2902 2847 2104 0317 2118 6082 0419 0004 2296 6171 1963 7792 1337 5751 1495 9501 5660 4963 1862 9472 6547 3642 5230 8177 0367 5159 0673 5023 5072 8354 0567 0403 8674 3513 6222 2477 1589 1504 9530 9844 4893 3309 6340 8780 7693 2599 3978 0541 9341 4473 7744 1842 6312 9860 8099 8886 8741 3260 4721 5695 1623 9658 6457 3021 6315 9819 3195 1673 5381 2974 1677 2947 8672 4229 2465 4366 8009 8067 6928 2382 8068 9964 0048 2435 4037 0141 6314 9658 9794 0924 3237 8969 0706 9779 4223 6250 8221 6889 5738 3798 6230 0159 3776 4716 5122 8935 7860 1588 1617 5578 2973 5233 4460 4281 5126 2720 3734 3146 5319 7777 4160 3199 0665 5418 7639 7929 3344 1952 1541 3418 9948 5444 7345 6738 3162 4993 4191 3181 4809 2777 7103 8638 7734 3177 2075 4565 4532 2077 7092 1201 9051 6609 6280 4909 2636 0197 5988 2816 1332 3166 6365 2861 9326 6863 3606 2735 6763 0354 4776 2803 5045 0777 2355 4710 5859 5487 0279 0814 3562 4014 5171 8062 4643 6267 9456 1275 3181 3407 8330 3362 5423 2783 9449 7538 2437 2058 3531 1477 1199 2606 3813 3467 7687 9695 9703 0983 3913 0771 0987 0408 5913 3746 4144 2822 7726 3465 9470 4745 8784 7787 2019 2771 5280 7317 6790 7707 1572 1344 4730 6057 0073 3492 4369 3113 8350 4931 6312 8404 2512 1925 6517 9806 9411 3528 0131 4701 3047 8164 3788 5185 2909 2854 5201 1658 3934 1965 6213 4914 3415 9562 5865 8655 7055 2690 4965 2098 5803 3850 7224 2648 2939 7285 8478 3163 0577 7756 0688 8764 4624 8246 8579 2603 9535 2773 4803 0480 2900 5876 0758 2510 4747 0916 4396 1362 6760 4492 5627 4204 2083 2085 6611 9062 5454 3372 1315 3595 8450 6877 2460 2901 6187 6679 5240 6163 4252 2577 1954 2916 2991 9306 4553 7799 1403 7340 4328 7526 2888 9639 9587 9475 7291 7464 2635 7455 2540 7909 1451 3571 1136 9410 9119 3932 5191 0760 2082 5202 6187 9853 1887 7058 4297 2591 6778 1314 9699 0090 1921 1697 1737 2784 7684 7268 6084 9003 3770 2424 2916 5130 0500 5168 3233 6435 0389 5170 2989 3922 3345 1722 0138 1280 6965 0117 8440 8745 1960 1212 2859 9371 6231 3017 1144 4846 4090 3890 6449 5444 0061 9869 0754 8516 0263 2750 5298 3491 8740 7866 8088 1833 8510 2283 3450 8504 8608 2503 9302 1332 1971 5518 4306 3545 5007 6682 8294 9304 1377 6552 7939 7517 5461 3953 9846 8339 3638 3047 4611 9966 5385 8153 8420 5685 3386 2186 7252 3340 2830 8711 2328 2789 2125 0771 2629 4632 2956 3989 8989 3582 1167 4562 7010 2183 5646 2201 3496 7151 8819 0973 0381 1980 0497 3407 2396 1036 8540 6643 1939 5097 9019 0699 6395 5245 3005 4505 8068 5501 9567 3022 9219 1393 3918 5680 3449 0398 2059 5510 0226 3535 3619 2041 9947 4553 8593 8102 3439 5544 9597 7837 7902 3742 1617 2711 1723 6434 3543 9478 2218 1852 8624 0851 4006 6604 4332 5888 5698 6705 4315 4706 9657 4745 8550 3323 2334 2107 3015 4594 0516 5537 9068 6627 3337 9958 5115 6257 8432 2988 2737 2319 8987 5714 1595 7811 1963 5833 0059 4087 3068 1216 0287 6496 2867 4460 4774 6491 5995 0549 7374 2562 6901 0490 3778 1986 8359 3814 6574 1268 0492 5648 7985 5614 5372 3478 6733 0390 4688 3834 3634 6553 7949 8641 9270 5638 7293 1748 7233 2083 7601 1230 2991 1367 9386 2708 9438 7993 6201 6295 1541 3371 4248 9283 0722 0126 9014 7546 6847 6535 7616 4773 7946 7520 0490 7571 5552 7819 6536 2132 3926 4061 6013 6358 1559 0742 2020 2031 8727 7605 2772 1900 5561 4842 5551 8792 5303 4351 3984 4253 2234 1576 2336 1064 2506 3904 9750 0865 6271 0953 5919 4658 9751 4131 0348 2276 9306 2474 3536 3256 9160 7815 4781 8115 2843 6679 5706 1108 6153 3150 4452 1274 7392 4544 9454 2368 2886 0613 4084 1486 3776 7009 6120 7151 2491 4043 0272 5386 0764 8236 3414 3346 2351 8975 7664 5216 4137 6796 9031 4950 1910 8575 9844 2391 9862 9164 2193 9949 0723 6234 6468 4411 7394 0326 5918 4044 3780 5133 3894 5257 4239 9508 2965 9122 8508 5558 2157 2503 1071 2570 1266 8302 4029 2952 5220 1187 2676 7562 2041 5420 5161 8416 3484 7565 1699 9811 6141 0100 2996 0783 8690 9291 6030 2884 0026 9104 1407 9288 6215 0784 2451 6709 0870 0069 9282 1206 6041 8371 8065 3556 7252 5325 6753 2861 2910 4248 7761 8258 2976 5157 9598 4703 5622 2629 3486 0034 1587 2298 0534 9896 5022 6291 7487 8820 2734 2092 2224 5339 8562 6476 6914 9055 6284 2503 9127 5771 0284 0279 9806 6365 8254 8892 6488 0254 5661 0172 9670 2664 0765 5904 2909 9456 8150 6526 5305 3718 2941 2703 3693 1378 5178 6090 4070 8667 1149 6558 3434 3476 9338 5781 7113 8645 5873 6781 2301 4587 6871 2660 3489 1390 9561 9728

Advice of the Day

Never let me near your family photo album…

 

Commandments of the Day

Commandment 6: Thou shalt not kill

Commandment 8: Thou shalt not steal

You are SOOOOOO holier than me… SAVE ME

http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20050314&s=lerner

 

Comic of the Day

http://www.combustibleorange.com/index.php?current=38

 

Phillipinos Die from Veggie Snack of the Day

Woman Selling Veggie Snack: They aren’t getting anyone sick… to prove it I’ll eat one.

 

Time Passes

 

Woman Selling Veggie Snacks (Now on Hospital): OOooooooo….

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7136123/?GT1=6305

 

Comic #2 of the Day

http://www.ucomics.com/boondocks/2005/03/06/

 

Quote of the Day

Along with some misleading information intended to make Wal-Mart's wages and benefits sound much better than they are, the new campaign materials feature many smiling African-American faces; the website explains, accurately, that Wal-Mart is a "leading employer" of Hispanics and African-Americans.

As Jesse Jackson and other black leaders have pointed out in response to this boast, the slave plantation was once a "leading employer" of African-Americans as well.

http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20050328&s=featherstone

Mitch’s Spotlight on Libertarians of the Day (from Mitch)
http://self-gov.org/celebrities.html
Anyone want to see individual write-ups on this stuff?
…
Yeah I thought not… NEXT!

1,069 Curse Words of the Day
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=10&u=/nm/20050309/od_nm/odd_cursing_dc

Something about SMUT of the Day
I have no idea what this article is about, and I refuse to read it… but it did have SMUT in the title so here it is…

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=569&ncid=738&e=2&u=/nm/20050310/tc_nm/telecoms_wireless_indecency_dc

Republican Dictionary of the Day (from here)
PERSONAL RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, n. Chinese Communist Party loans.

We've had a grassroots groundswell of submissions from our readers after soliciting ideas for the Republican Dictionary project, which first debuted in this space last November.

Bush's "ownership society" was a big hit, "God" made a return, and Justin Rezzonico delivered the best definition of "Fox News" yet. I've included a sampling of the latest batch below. Please keep them coming in. (Click here to submit your ideas.) We are going to be collecting our favorites and publishing them as a book in the next few months.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. Buck? What buck? (Martin Richard, Belgrade, MT)

BIPARTISANSHIP, adj. When Democrats compromise. (Justin Rezzonico, Keene, NH)

CHECKS & BALANCES, pl. n. An antiquated concept of the Founding Fathers that impedes autocratic efficiency; see also REFORM. (Robert B. Fuld, Unionville, CT)

FOX NEWS, n. Faux news. (Justin Rezzonico, Keena, NH)

GOD, n. Senior presidential advisor. (Martin Richard, Belgrade, MT)

NONPARTISAN JUDICIAL NOMINEE, n. An active member of the Federalist Society. (Mark Hatch-Miller, Brooklyn, NY)

OWNERSHIP SOCIETY, n. 1) A society where you're on your own. (John Read, Ownings Mills, MD); 2) A society where one-half of society owns the other half. (Anne Galvan Klousia, Corvallis, OR); 3) The euphemism used by robber barons and their political lackeys to promote or justify the extreme concentration of wealth into the hands of a powerful few. Synonyms: PLUTOCRACY, CORPORATE FEUDALISM. (Ken Stump, Seattle, WA)

SOCIAL SECURITY, n. Broker security. (Bruce Clendenin, Dallas, TX)

SPREADING PEACE, v. Preemptive war. (Bruce Hawkins, Silver Springs, MD)

STAY THE COURSE, v. To relentlessly pursue a disastrous policy regardless of how far conditions deteriorate. Antonym: "To cut and run." (Aja Starke, New York, NY)

TORTURER, n. 1) White House Counsel. 2) Attorney General. (Martin Richard, Belgrade, MT)

Embarrassing Photos of the Day
My Dad is going to kill me…
I know there weren’t any photos yesterday, but I feel this make up for it (the ones of my dad aren’t THAT funny unless you have met him… but they are still funny)
(Note: There was a picture of the Day, but it is only available in the email version)

Advice of the Day

Fill out the survey below… its easy and simple

 

Word of the Day

geek

n. Slang

1.  
1. A person regarded as foolish, inept, or clumsy.
2. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.
2. A carnival performer whose show consists of bizarre acts, such as biting the head off a live chicken.

Survey of the Day (from Vicki)
Alright, I'm in the process of doing a statistical survey for STT212 at UR. Anyone between the ages of 20 and 30, I really need you to respond. Email me at either vive_il_rivoluzione@hotmail.com or morningstar@vicki.kicks-ass.org with your response. All you have to do is give me your age and which of the following religious categories you would describe yourself as:

Nonreligious/Atheist
Agnostic
Practical Atheist*
Christian**
Jewish
Muslim
Hindu
Buddhist
Taoist
Pagan/Wiccan
New Age
Other

*you believe in a supreme being of some sort, but it has no impact on your life
**includes anyone who acknowledges the significance of Jesus (Jehovah's Witnesses, etc)

Atheist of the Week (of the Day) (from Vicki)
This week's Atheist of the Week is: Friedrich Nietzsche!

Nietzsche was a late 19th century philosopher to believed that all that was noble stemmed from the Will to Power, that those in power determined what was moral, and that the religious ideas of goodness and morality stemmed from the impotence and resentment of the weak lower classes.

"Now they give me to understand that they are not merely better than the mighty, the lords of the earth whose spittle they have to lick (NOT from fear, not at all from fear! but because God has commanded them to obey the authorities) - that they are not merely better but are also 'better off', or at least will be better off someday. But enough! Enough! I can't take anymore. Bad air! Bad air! This workshop where IDEALS ARE MANUFACTURED - it seems to me it stinks of so many lies." ~from On The Genealogy of Morals

"This was the most fatal kind of megalomania that had ever yet existed on earth: insignificant little abortions of bigots and liars began to lay sole claim to the concepts of 'God', 'Truth', 'Light', 'Spirit', 'Love', 'Wisdom', 'Life', as if these thing were, so to speak, synonyms of themselves, in order to fence themselves off from 'the world'." ~from The Antichrist

"Martyrs have HARMED the cause of truth. ...Even to this day it only requires the crude fact of persecution, in order to create an honorable name for any obscure sect who does not matter in the least. What? is a cause actually changed in any way by the fact that some one has laid down his life for it?" ~from The Antichrist

Next week: George Carlin

Advice of the Day

“Your life will be full of joy” – Fortune Cookie

 

Note to Al Qaeda of the Day

FINISH THE FUCKING JOB!  And hurry…

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=762&e=1&u=/ap/20050309/ap_en_mo/crowe_al_qaida

 

Comments by Jessica Kenny (the princess in Monday’s advice) of the Day

im not embarrassed but then again im not spock or the gay tiger thing either.

love "the princess" Jessica.

 

Does Anyone Else Find This Ironic of the Day

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=564&ncid=564&e=1&u=/nm/20050308/ts_nm/bush_speech_dc

 

Holy Cow Batman I Totally have a Boner of the Day

http://www.superdickery.com/oneshot/6.html

 

Things NOT To Say While Climaxing of the Day
-This was your last chance, and it's not going so well. Pull out, collect your stuff, and take care.
-Serenity now!
-Oh GOD! I guess I'm not gay after all!
-Go go gadget sperm!
-I hope you have a big place in your heart for children with Down's Syndrome!
-By the power of Grayskull....
-DING! Your tanks full.
-I think the condom broke....SIKE! I'm not even wearing one!

 

Bankruptcy Revision of the Day

I am all for changing the bankruptcy law to go along with what the Republicans are proposing… as long as it applies to individuals AND businesses.

 

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/ap/20050309/ap_on_go_co/bankruptcy

 

Real Life Conversation of the Day

Scene: Yesterday while Vicki and Jai are cooking dinner… Jai is peeling an orange…

Vicki: Can I have some orange?

Jai: What will you give me?

Vicki: I dunno… please give me an orange?

Jai: No.

Vicki: Stop being an ass…

Jai: ok

 

Jai takes a slice of orange and puts it in Vicki’s mouth, then pulls it out of her mouth

 

Vicki: It was all the way in, my tongue was even on it…

Jai: I had second thoughts

…

Vicki: That will probably be the last time those two sentences are ever paired together with us…

Jai: Yeah…

 

Embarrassing Picture of the Day (of me)
(Note: There was a picture of the Day, but it is only available in the email version)

Advice of the Day

Acetylene torches and vodka DO NOT go good together…

 

Quote of the Day

“Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” – Mathew 5:10

 

And I thought it was all about accepting god’s love…. Guess I was misled.

 

Correction of the Day (from Ed)

Actually, it was Brown's Chicken and Pasta, not Popeye's.  You've been depriving yourself of the wonder that is Popeye's for no good reason.

 

http://www.pcgraffiti.com/PalatineNews3.htm

Popeye's Kicks ASS.

 

News of the Day

http://www.felbers.net/mt/archives/001009.html

 

Tips for being Jai’s Friend of the Day

1. Do not get drunk
2. If you violate rule #1, do not leave photographic evidence.
3. If you leave photographic evidence make sure you have the only copies of such evidence.
4. If you do not have the only copy of photographic evidence, make sure the photo is not embarrassing.
5. If the photo is embarrassing, do not (I repeat DO NOT) let me get my hands on it.
6. If you are known to get drunk and leave embarrassing photographic evidences in places I can get too… well keep a small pot of cash handy for a rainy day (I accept checks too).
7. Destroy all evidence of your childhood.

 

Embarrassing Picture of a (former if they can’t take a joke) friend of the Day

(There was supposed to be a picture there, but I was threatened that if I posted it unsavory things would be happening to me… very unsavory things… so instead I have provided and edited verbal description of the picture)

 

So my friend xxxxx was xxxxx and they were walking around NYC with her friends xxxxx and xxxxx when they saw a xxxxx.  By this time xxxx was very drunk, so she xxxxxx on the xxxxx and then xxxxx took a picture of it.  (The picture would have gone here)

 

FREE JAI!

My anonymous source is in soooo much trouble….

 

Emabarrasing Picture of the Day
(Note: There was a picture of the Day, but it is only available in the email version)

Advice of the Day

Never let me have embarrassing pictures of you… I can only contain my desire to put them in the advice for so long.

 

Quote of the Day

“Everything is impossible… until its not”

 

Thought of the Day

If government comes from god (as Supreme Court Justice Scalia suggested last week), he is a much sicker bastard than I ever imagined.

 

Comic of the Day

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/uclickcomics/20050307/cx_nq_uc/nq20050307

 

Story of the Day

So yesterday, Sunday, I went to Popeye’s chicken for the first time in almost a decade.  You may ask why I have not gone to Popeye’s chicken in such a long time, and for that you would have to find information about a murder in the Chicagoland area (which I had no part in) in the early 90s.  Apparently someone decided to murder the employees of a Popeye’s restaurant in the Chicago area after the store was closed one night.  They never caught the killer, and I vowed never to eat at POPEYES AGAIN until the killer was caught… ok I just haven’t eaten there in awhile (but the murder story was true).  So Vicki and I go in the Popeye’s.  Let me tell you, Popeye’s has gotten WAY cool in the past 10 years.  THEY HAVE GARBAGE CANS THAT TALK TO YOU!  I swear to god, if you walk past it, it actually says “THANK YOU!”.  I was fucking AMAZED!  A-MAZED!  After that we got chicken and shrimp… the end.

 

Embarrassing WEEK of the Day

All of this week I will be posting embarrassing pictures of friends in this space.  Feel free to send in Photos/stories of you or you friends for the advice.  (On Friday you will see a picture of Jai at 3 years old!)

(Note: There was a picture of the Day, but it is only available in the email version)

Advice of the Day

Make chaos not peace.

 

Confession of the Day

I hate to have to do this, I know it will disappoint ALL of my fans, but my guilt is nagging my head.  My guilt is all “you need to come clean you Rockabilly” (my guilt calls me Rockabilly).   So today, March 4^th, 2005 I will a be coming clean to my fans… no to the public... NO TO THE WORLD AT LARGE!  I admit, the rumors are true, everything you have been hearing (that I have been calling an unmitigated lie) is in fact the dead on truth.  I Dr. Jai S. Preston Esquire have been on “the juice”.   I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but many of you already knew in your heart of hearts that it was true.  I have been “juicing” for so long it isn’t even funny.  I have recently consulted with my Doctors and have determined that “the juice” has caused me the following health related conditions:

• Lack of scurvy
• High energy Level
• Supplements to help muscle growth
• High urination rate
• Orange urinations
• Sweet taste in mouth

 

The list goes on and on.  In the coming weeks and months you may see or hear my story in a myriad of places, so I would like to set the record straight from here on out!  I suspect that some of my co-workers are also on the juice (we keep the juice in the fridge).  Not to name names, but I believe I have seen Tamara drinking juice STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE! These people need help and fast.  So please, for the love of God, help these people… it may be their only hope.

 

Ninja Jesus of the Day (with Ninja Jesus Nails)

http://www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/lfigurespages/lfjesus.html

 

Putting the fun back into fundamentalism and laughter into sectarian slaughter of the Day

It turns out that this whole site is awesome

http://www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/

 

Comic of the Day #1

PIRATE JESUS LIVES!

http://www.piratejesus.com/

 

Comic of the Day #2

NINJA JESUS LIVES!

http://ninjajesuscomix.tripod.com/

 

Jesus of the Week (of the Day)

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/

 

Seventies Music Video of the Day

http://vid2.stileproject.com/90fdb49d09aca1fe97a2275a4b3f1c50/ring3.wmv

 

The Biggest Losers I have ever seen of the Day (from Eric)

http://grouphug.us

 

Joke of the Day (from Mitch)

That remind me of funny joke!  Yeah, funny joke indeed.

 

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love  you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

 

Invitation of the Day (from thom ingram, Kris Stewart, Julie Demers)

Hello hello,

How do you plan to celebrate April Fool's Day?? No, seriously.

You are cordially invited

to the 5th (holy sheeze) annual

Convegence

a weekend of writing

 

basic back story, so once a year the lot of us (3, 5, 7 or 8+) get together at the town in central PA-ish, find the cheapest hotel we can and just write for a weekend. Ok, so there is some games of tag and a weird thing with subs, and maybe a waitress and a ransom note or two, but really it is about the writing.

 

This year we will be

Converging

in glorious

Pittston, PA

at the

Trotters Motel

(which is technically in Moosic, but who's counting)

April 1, 2, 3.

The only cost is about one fourth of a hotel room for two nights (and a chip in to the submarine grocery store run).

 

So we ask two things

A) please reply to this email and let us know if you can make it and

2nd) forward this on to any friends you have who might be interested. They can email convergence05@mac.com

 

For more information check out http://www.poetryproject.org/convergence/convergence.html

 

We hope to see you soon,

thom ingram, Kris Stewart, Julie Demers

Advice of the Day

Don’t piss off the jai.

 

Note of the Day

Don’t bitch that the advice is short, none of you responded to yesterday’s advice.

 

I think I feel ill of the Day (morally ill)

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=2026&ncid=2026&e=4&u=/latimests/20050303/ts_latimes/houseoksbillonfaithbasedjobs

 

New AIM screenname of the Day

Ninjadeathjesus

Msg me if you want

 

Picture of the Day (from Brion)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dooce/5543837/

 

T-Shirt of the Day (from Brion)

http://www.zestuff.com/product.php?productid=10&cat=0&page=

 

Re: Yesterday’s Question of the Day (from Mel the Canadian)

Isn't Canadian Bacon - back bacon?? All I know is that Canadian Bacon is disgusting. It's usually thick and fatty and yucky. :) I don't know if Americans do this - but in Canada they seen to think that bacon is meant to be eaten still raw. Seriously. You go to a restaurant and order bacon and when you bite it the damn pig squeals and runs away - not before slapping you in the face first. *EW* and GOD FORBID you stress the point of VERY CRISPY PRETTY MUCH BURNT BACON PLEASE!! They cook it on the highest setting so the outside is all black and the inside is still raw. Plus they take 25 minutes longer. *pfft*

How dare you get me started on Canadian Bacon !! Now I'll be going on about this for dayyyyyyyys.

 

Poem of the Day (by Tommy Chong… written while spending 9 months in jail)

“I hear the train a-comin’
It’s rolling ‘round the bend
I hope it’s full of women cause,
I’m tired of fu**ing men.”

Advice of the Day (eh)

Never battle a moose for yer Molson.

 

Canadian of the Day (eh)

ME!  That’s right, I just remembered that in addition, eh, to being the coolest advice of the day writer that THIS PLANET HAS EVER SEEN!  I am also a Canadian eh.  In honor of that AMAZING FEAT eh I have decided that today’s advice, eh, will be dedicated, eh, to Canada, eh.

 

SOMEONE FIGHTS FOR US! Of the Day (eh)

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1804&ncid=1804&e=1&u=/washpost/20050301/tc_washpost/a61254_2005feb28

 

Competition of the Day

From the WBER (local radio station) website:

“It’s time for the 2nd Annual “Be The Next WBER DJ Competetion” on 90.5 FM WBER, the only station that matters. Last year’s winner was Furious Yellow and he can be heard on WBER Wednesday night’s from 5:00-8:00. Could you be the next WBER DJ? We’ll take the first 21 interested listener’s for the competition. Before you send the email, keep mind that the “Be The Next BER DJ Competetion” will happen on Friday mornings from 7:00-7:30 A.M. and will run from March through June. If you think you have what it takes to be on WBER, send an email to wber@monroe.edu for more info.
The 2nd Annual “Be The Next WBER DJ Competetion” begins on Friday March 4th on the FMS!”

 

I entered this contest!  I was one of the first 21!  I will be on the radio!  ADVICE OF THE DAY HITS THE AIRWAVES! MWAHAHAHAHA!  Ok sorry.  Stay tuned for updates on when you can hear me LIVE (for all of you out of staters the station is broadcast live on the internet here: http://wber.monroe.edu).

 

Question of the Day (eh)

What should my radio name be?  I was thinking of “DJ Jai S. Preston Esquire”… what do you guys think?  Any and all names suggested will be posted in the advice and be subject to a vote.  I WILL use the winner on the air.

 

Canadian Question of the Day (eh)

When in Canada is Canadian bacon still called “Canadian Bacon” or is it simply called “Bacon”?

 

Blog about Bacon of the Day (eh)

http://bacontarian.com/

 

Spiderman’s Greatest Bible Stories of the Day (eh)

http://www.portlandmercury.com/2002-05-02/feature4.html

 

Optical Illusion of the Day (eh)

http://www.grand-illusions.com/dragon.htm

 

Romance Novels Re-imagined

http://www.worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/

 

Terrorists of the Day (eh)

Nature = Terrorist

Clouds = Jihadists

Snow = WMD

 

Better quicken up that global warming on the double…

 

Conversation of the Day (overheard by Vicki) (eh)

During a political science discussion....

Professor: What does the torch of the Statue of Liberty represent?
Kid: ...democracy?
Professor: What are you doing to me?!
Kid: ... ... ...
Professor: Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
Kid: ... ... ...
Professor: WHO'S BURIED IN GRANT'S TOMB?
Kid: ... ... ...
Professor: Say Lincoln!
Kid: ... ?
Professor: What does the torch of the Statue of Liberty represent? ...LIBERTY!
Kid: Oh.

 

Vicki of the Day (from Vicki) (eh)

So, it's come to my attention that the Wizard of Oz has a secret meaning. Really... it's all about Populists.

In the late 1800's industrialization was nearing its peak and farmers were beginning to invest heavily in new technology and different farming practices, making them reliant on the market. When the market suffered a recession around 1893, farmers blamed the industrial Northeast. They formed a political party called the Populist Party, which stood against industrialization and market domination by the Northeast.

Dorothy was from Kansas, the heart of the Populist movement. The scarecrow represents the farmers who formed the base of the movement. The tinman represents immigrant factory workers who were believed to be automatrons, unindependent and easily influenced. The Populist movement tried to ally with these people to curtain industrialization. The voice of the Populist movement, William Jennings Bryan, who was also the head of the Democratic Party, is the cowardly lion.

The Populist Party ran on the issue of the gold standard. At the time the US only minted as much money as could be supported by its gold supply. Populists and farmers wanted the government to mint on the basis of gold AND silver, increasing the amount of credit in the nation and decreasing the importance of the industrial Northeast. Hence, the yellow brick road represents the gold standard. The Populists march up the yellow brick road to Oz (Oz. = ounces, how gold is measured), where they discover that the whole deal is a sham. In the original book, Dorothy's slippers were made of silver. All she had to do was look down at her feet (to the ground, the source of silver) to find her way home. Thus, silver is the way to success.

That being said, I don't know what the little people represent.

Note of the Day

Sorry its short, but I am busy.

 

Advice of the Day

We all want to believe the sky isn’t falling… even when it is.

 

Human Rights Abuse of the Day

Not to be a smartass… but isn’t this a bit like the pot calling the kettle black?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050228/ts_nm/rights_usa_dc

 

Songs of the Day

Both by Saul Williams.  Saul Williams may not be THE God, but he is A god.    (Doesn’t that sound funny coming from an atheist)

http://jai.kicks-ass.org/01 List of Demands (Reperations).mp3

http://jai.kicks-ass.org/Black Stacey.mp3

 

Trivia Night of the Day

Vicki and I got 7 questions right!  The winning team got 15…

 

Comment on Yesterday’s Game of the Day (from Dan)

That game is logically impossible to win as the computer is NEVER going to make a wrong move.  It's like trying to play tic-tac-toe with Stephen Hawking.  You should be ashamed of yourself for sending this out.

Advice of the Day

The little known eleventh commandment that Moses never openly talked about: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s snowblower on a snowy day.  The man had an eye for the future.

 

Jokes of the Day (from Alex)

1

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

 

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

 

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

 

2

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

 

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

 

Game of the Day (from Alex)

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pearl.shtml

 

Canada of the Day

Awwwwww Canuckistan is trying to be a nation

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050225/wl_canada_nm/canada_usa_missiles_col_8

 

This article truly makes me sad to be from the same country as some of these people of the day

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=2358&ncid=2358&e=7&u=/csm/20050224/ts_csm/aoldschool_1

 

Is she really going out with him… her… it… whatever of the Day (from Vicki)

This one involved witchdoctors.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6958941/?GT1=6190

 

Guitar Player from Korn becomes a Christian of the Day (links from Tamara)

No comment from me… just no comment.

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1497313/20050222/korn.jhtml?headlines=true

http://www.headtochrist.com/

 

New H2G2 Trailer (Internet only) of the Day (from Brion)

This only appears to work in IE -

http://video.ugo.com/player.aspx?articleID=13939&ref=ts

 

Dildus of the Day

First three sections are here. I haven’t put section four up yet on the site, but it was in last Monday’s email J

 

Эжчз

            Ten-thirty Ante Meridiem Day 1:

            At this hour of the morning the recovery room becomes a mad house.  This is when the women start waking up.  We place buckets next to each bed for the ones that like to vomit, just because no one really wants to clean that up.  We tell them not to eat for twenty-four hours before the procedure, but none of them listen.

            You would be surprised how many of them don’t even cry when they wake up.  They wake up from their halothane induced minor coma cold.

            Halothane and general anesthetics in general, cause your body temperature to drop rapidly.  This is how they get it to shut down.  The downside to this is that when you do wake up it feels like you just took a bath in a tub of ice water.  As an added bonus, as I am sure Phillip could tell you, all of the patients have incredibly erect nipples.

            Plus one point if you are starting your car now.

            Most of the women just lay there though, staring blankly up to the ceiling.  The same muted color in their eyes.  No matter what color their eyes were when they came in they all seem to get a grayish haze over them. 

            We are all opaque in the eyes of the Lord.

            I don’t think they are even really thinking at this point.  Maybe later on the train ride home, they think about how they got here yet again, but for now they just stare blankly.  They lay with their grayish blue or brown eyes gritting their teeth together.  I lay the tray with the food on it on their laps.  Some of them ask me nicely to remove it.  Quietly.  Some of them just throw it on the floor next to them.

            Today the first girl who is wheeled in through the glass double doors of the recovery room as named Tiffany.  Tiffany lives about ten miles east of the clinic and had to take three different buses to get here this morning.  

            There are some things that I know, I don’t take pride in this knowledge but I know them.  One of these things is that the buses in this city don’t have very good shock absorbers. 

            Tiffany should have found a ride back home.

            Tiffany woke up fifteen minutes after they wheeled her in.  This is pretty normal.  To say this nicely, Tiffany is exactly the type of girl that the orderlies would clamber over if they saw her.  I draw the blinds so that they can’t.  I don’t feel much pity for these girls, but I feel especially soft when I know they are under eighteen.

            She opened her eyes slowly.  First a small slit, just enough for the florescent lights to sting them, then a flutter, then fully open in their bloodshot clarity.  Their beauty.

            “Where am I?” she said.

            I didn’t talk.  I am not supposed to.  If they ask questions I am supposed to grab a nurse or a counselor, but I never do.  What good would it do?

            “Is my baby…?”

            “Yes,” I said.

            She opens her mouth like she is about to talk, but nothing seems to come out.  I secretly think that her facial expression must have been one that she was used to by now.  She starts to whimper.

            “I…I…” I didn’t wait for her to finish.

            “Would you like some cookies and juice?” I asked.

            Tears start rolling down her pale white slightly freckled cheeks.  

            Ladies and gentleman we have our first crier in June.

            “I lurrrved ma bebe.  Oh gawd.  I lurrrved my bebe.”

            Nothing says I love you like a pair of scissors in the back of your skull after two consecutive days of poisoning.

            “I sware, I lurrrved ma bebe.”

            “I am sure you did,” I said.  I can’t believe I said it with a straight face.  To these people babies are just like dogs.  They look cute in theory, but as soon as they realize that they have to work to keep them they give up.  The first sign of morning pain they rush on down here with a chip on their fucking shoulders.

            Love is never as easy as it seems on late night infomercials.

            She covered her face with her hands, lifting up the rim of her gown to wipe away the tears.

            “What if ma mom finds out?” she said.   I should have mentioned this earlier, but Tiffany is sixteen years old, plus three days. 

            She stares at me blankly.  Coldly.  This is what seems always happen when they weep.  This is the change they undergo right before my eyes.  This is why I keep this job.

 

 

Advice of the Day

I have learned in my infinite wisdom the following:  People don’t laugh nearly as hard when you claim to have fucked their wife, as when you claim to have fucked their mom.  Really, they don’t laugh at all.

 

Say bye to Alex of the Day

Alex’s last day of working with me is today… so there probably wont be anymore bad links from him J   Wish Alex well in his new job (at LMT)!

 

My birthday is coming up soon… like in 9 Months of the Day

If any of you buy this for me (hint hint) I will love you forever… ok maybe not forever.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=475&item=6514656828&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

 

Can you say Fishing Expedition of the Day

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050225/ap_on_re_us/abortion_investigation

 

Well wishes for the Pope of the Day

I think I speak for us all when I say that I hope the Pope makes it through his recent illness.  People that bad shouldn’t get to opt out of their suffering in this world. J

http://news.yahoo.com/fc?tmpl=fc&cid=34&in=World&cat=Pope_John_Paul_II

 

Main Points of the Pope’s New Book (from Vicki):

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/02/23/pope.book.reut/index.html

 

Quote of the Day

“The last time anyone in my family was in Georgia they were burning it” – Someone in my office while talking to someone in Georgia

 

Discworld Geeks of the Day

This is for you guys (and girls).

http://www.rzuser.uni-heidelberg.de/~jknoblo2/LnL/Downloads/downloads.html

 

My Mom is Awesome of the Day

Jai’s Mom: wanna do lunch... i need some indian food

Jai’s Mom: 11:30

Jai: i am having lunch with alex

Jai: its his last day

Jai’s Mom: no....not again

Jai: hahaha

Jai: Monday?

Jai’s Mom: dissed by my own son

Jai: hahaha

 

...As the World Turns of the Day

Jai Says: …really who is going to protect Rome from being annexed by the United Republic of Jai?

Kline Says: Well they are guarded by those Swiss Guard fags.

Jai Says: Yes they will guard it with their Swiss Army Knives.

(Jai makes stabbing motion at Vicki’s leg)

Jai Says: MY 1 INCH BLADE WILL CONQUER ALL!

Vicki Says: Will you guys stop making gay jokes…

Jai Says: … but I …

Vicki Says: stop

Jai Says: But I was only making Swiss jokes, but you did just implied that by making fun of Swiss people I was making fun of gay people…

Advice of the Day

Don’t run with scissors… unless it is absolutely necessary.  I run with scissors all the time.

 

Comic of the Day (its especially funny for anyone who reads PA)

http://www.little-gamers.com/index.php?id=1035

 

Info about the Patriot Act of the Day (and why you should write your congressman to not extend it!) (from Vicki)

EPIC opinion piece on the Patriot Act

http://www.epic.org/privacy/terrorism/usapatriot/

 

Official Government Opinion of the Patriot Act

http://www.lifeandliberty.gov/

 

Actual Text of the Patriot Act

http://www.epic.org/privacy/terrorism/hr3162.html

 

Link of the Day (from Alex)

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/swearingjesus.html

 

Hunter S. Thompson Eulogy for Allen Ginsberg of the Day (from Paul and Ed and so many others I can’t remember)

Jai Says: Just so you guys know.  Allen Ginsberg was a great beat poet from the 1960s and 1970s (predominantly) who died in the late 1990s.

 

I could only find bits and pieces of it...“a dangerous bull-fruit with the brain of an open sore and the conscience of a virus.” , “He was crazy and queer and small. He was born wrong and he knew it.” , “He was gracious as ever. He said he’d welcome the Grim Reaper…because he knew he could get into his pants.”

 

Fear of the Day (from Vicki)

Anyway, I thought you were dead on about the fear thing, particularly about fear being a poor motivation for morality.  Someone wrote a piece during the religious debate about how being a good person as an atheist is better than being a good person as a Christian because an atheist is a good person because they think it right to be a good person but a Christian is a good person because he/she fears God's punishment for not being a good person.  The bible says over and over again that fear of God is a characteristic of a good and moral person.  When I asked the Jehovah Witnesses why their religion advocates fear as the emotion that should underly one's decisions and actions they gave me some bullshit speech about how "fear" meant something different in biblical times than it does now, something more akin to "respect".  But again, the bible advocates fear of the Lord over and over.  I'm not accepting any "that's not in the Bible" or "you misinterpreted that" claims here.  A Christian who lives by the Scriptures must understand that fear of the Lord is what underlies your morality.  Fear of consequences.  Why should I believe in a religion that advocates fear as a means of decisionmaking?  This is why the Left Behind series and other religious medias have pissed me off so much over the years.  I don't want to be scared into believing in your god.  Besides the fact that such fear is based on massive scriptural misinterpretation (and I want to get scripture quotes on this claim, but the idea of hell has been so overinflated over the centuries that modern Christians are assaulting nonbelievers with something that has no scriptural support), I find it insulting that those who want to "save" me and want me to change the entire scope and path of my life can't find a more persuasive means of doing so.  It doesn't take any intelligence to make decisions by fear.  I know far too many people who have converted because they fear some notion of a lake of fire or eternal torture, and I think it denotes a lack of intelligence on both sides.  My sister is one of these people on the verge of being converted by fear and if she falls to it, I'll be really disappointed with her.  However, if she converts because of community and a belief in the teachings of Jesus, I'd be much less disappointed.  And if she comes to her own belief in Jesus and begins tearing into institutional Christianity (aka, all of it) and its scriptural bastardizations, I'd be pretty damn proud of her.

 

Poem of the Day (from Tamara, although I don’t think she wrote it)

 

Money

It can buy a house

But not a home

It can buy a clock

But not time

It can buy you a position

But not respect

It can buy you a bed

But not sleep

It can buy you a book

But not knowledge

It can buy you medicine

But not health

It can buy you blood

But not life

So you see money isn't everything

And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend

And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So

Send me all your money

And I will suffer for you!

Cash only please !!..!!

Advice of the Day

“Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.” – Mark Twain’s Advice to Young People

 

Request of the Day (repeated due to poor response!)

If any of you can find the text to Hunter S. Thompson’s eulogy to Allen Ginsberg (which Johnny Depp read at Ginsberg’s funeral) I will give you a kiss.  In lieu of a kiss (which may be a deterrent to some of you) I will buy you a drink of your choice the next time I see you.

 

So let me get this straight of the Day

So the “Axis of Evil” (trademark pending) consisted of Iraq, Iran and North Korea.  Currently the only one of them that we cant find (and isn’t flaunting) with “weapons of mass destruction” (WMD)(Trademark Pending) is Iraq.  In fact we currently have a large amount of troops in Iraq (in case you didn’t notice) and they can’t find any “WMDs”.  North Korea and Iran on the other hand publicly have stated that they DO HAVE WMDs, and not just your run of the mill WMDs but NUCLEAR (not nucular) WEAPONS.  Yes this makes perfect sense to me, glad we got that straightened out.

 

Ya best move up Nawth if Ya want some of yawr Sex Toys of the Day

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1896&e=9&u=/nm/20050222/us_nm/court_sextoys_dc

 

Shotgun Golf of the Day (Hunter S. Thompson’s last article)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=1992213

 

Quote of the Day (from Brion)

"It's true that the clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence in society" - Mark Twain

 

Quote of the Day #2

“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.” – Mark Twain

 

Quote of the Day #3 (last one I swear)

“The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive...but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born.” – Mark Twain

 

Joke of the Day (from Brion)

There's a glitch in heaven and St. Peter is having a hard time identifying those lined up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first man in line, "Who are you?"

The gentleman answers,  "Albert Einstein."

"How do I know you are?" asks St. Peter.

Einstein asks for a pencil and proceeds to write out E=mc2, etc.

St. Peter says, “OK, go on in."

St. Peter asks the next man, "Who are you?"

"I'm Pablo Picasso," he answers.

"How do I know you are?"

Picasso asks for a paint brush and proceeds to paint from his 'Blue Period.' "OK, go on in," says St. Peter.

The next man in line approaches - again the question, "Who are you?"

"I'm George W. Bush," says the man.

St. Peter asks, "How do I know you are?"

Bush says, "I'm the President of the United States! I don't have to prove it!"

St. Peter says, "Sorry, sir, but even Einstein and Picasso had to identify themselves."

Bush yells, "Who the heck are they?"

St. Peter answers, "Oh, OK, go on in. . ."

 

Fear of the Day (I need opinions on if this makes sense or not, so write me back)

            It has been said that fear is the greatest motivator.  Fear is what motivates us only on the most base of levels.  While fear can motivate someone to be a “morally virtuous person” (fear of god) or a law abiding citizen (fear of jail) it does not truly change us into more virtuous or law abiding people.  The biggest change that fear leaves out is the mental change necessary for this things.  Fear simply makes people avoid that which they are afraid of; it does not truly make them not want to do it.

            Case in point, if you threaten a drug dealer with jail time he/she will only be motivated not to get caught selling drugs.  This can be achieved in two ways: 1) Not dealing drugs 2) not getting caught dealing drugs.  I would say that most drug dealers are indeed afraid of going to jail, but this only motivates them to be more secretive in their transactions.  The same could be said for infidelity in marriage.  The threat of the scorn of your significant other is only a strong enough motivator to make a person not want to get caught; it does not fix the infidelity of the mind.

            Fear is the most useless and wasteful emotion ever thought of by man. Fear is a poor motivator, and only begets violence, greed, and envy.  With all that being said, our entire society is only built upon fear.  While I personally do not believe in god, I do know of quite a few people who would be complete bastards if they didn’t believe in god, because they would lack the fear of repercussions for their actions.  I also know plenty of people (myself included at times) who are only law abiding citizens because they fear the legal repercussions of their actions.

            This is all a failure on our part, as an entire society.  Fear should not be the lynchpin that holds our communities together.  Fear should not be the only thing that separates civilization from Anarchy.   The only truly free society is one in which people choose to do morally virtuous and law abiding actions only because they want to.  Free choice means nothing if it is ruled by fear.